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Friday, June 28, 2013

A Hard Day

Haven't been able to sleep these past couple of nights. Been wondering why. Why have I been bursting out in tears randomly? Why is it that every time James is peacefully asleep my heart becomes heavy when I watch him? Then I checked the date. 

Four years ago my hometown was given the biggest slap in the face. Five beautiful young people were hit by a drunk driver on old las Vegas highway. Only Avree the driver survived. I knew Julian, Kate, Alyssa and especially Rose. I've never dealt with loss well. I hid away in the Jemez mountains at a place I considered paradise because I wasn't sure I could handle seeing everyone. I now wish I had gone to the memorial in Catherdral park that night. 
Just about the whole town was there and then some. If that's not a testimate to how much these teens made an impact on lives I don't know what is. 

As you know, maybe you don't, we lost a beautiful little boy named Carter in our family recently. I'm still very much grieving his death. I've been meeting so many people recently who have shared their grief of losing a child. As a mother myself all of this has struck me in a whole new way. I get it now mommy. She came to pick me up from the mountains that day with my dad because she just needed to see my face. I really do get it now. As I type this I feel God is revieling a part of grief I have never experienced before. This feeling of a lump in my throat. This feeling of a weight on my heart so heavy you'd think cinder blocks were holding it down. These heaving tears that I've only heard from my mom when my grandpa Norman passed. All these feelings don't even add up to half of what these grieving families feel. 

It's hard for me to process why lives are taken from us here on Earth at such a young age. Seeing the grief families are experiencing makes me desperately want to take it away. But I'm at that point in my walk of faith where I know it's not my job to take this grief away or to be able to understand it. I can trust in the Lord and that gives me comfort. I pray any family finds this comfort. I see how all these children have made a difference and continue to make a difference as time goes on. This is beautiful. I am amazed at how they inspire and bring out the good in people. They continue to remind us that life on Earth is short and precious. My prayer is that we remember this everyday. Even when times get tough, we are blessed. 

I've had Rose visit my dreams twice and those dreams are so sacred to me. So vivid and genuine to her personality. The last dream was after I had James. She sat me down and said "well we have a lot to catch up on!" we talked about James and how I was adjusting to motherhood. I asked her how she was and she told me she was just fine and that I shouldn't ever worry about her. She was happy. She was more than happy. I woke up with a sense of peace I had never felt before. So grateful for her visiting my dreams. 

I was up the night before praying as I couldn't sleep when a name popped into my head. "Lily". I realized this was the name that belonged to a new acquaintance who lost her baby at full term in 2010. It was more of a reminder that I should be praying for the parents of these children. So I did. And do today. I ask all of my friends reading this to take a moment of silence today to remember these lives we have lost so early. But also a moment of prayer and silence for the families left behind. That they may find comfort on the tough days like today. 

If you are in Santa Fe go to warehouse tonight at 6 to be with the families and community. 

Always remember the closeness we feel during these tragedies. Always remember these children and the impact they have made on lives. 
Remember the great memories you've shared even if you can count them on your fingers. Do not hold onto anger as I believe these friends we have lost wouldn't want us to live that way. "Hated stirs up strife, But love covers all sins." Proverbs 10:12

These verses gives me comfort and I hope they help you as well

"Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted."  Matthew 5:4
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21 

This next one gives me the chills. In a good way. 
"The wilderness and the wasteland shall be glad for them, and the dessert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose." Isaiah 35:1 

And my favorite one. "The Lord is near to those who havea broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18 

Just opened up my bible again and this is what it landed on. Prepare for more chills "I am the rose of Sharon and the Lilly of the the valleys." Song of Solomon 2:1. 

Love to all of you in Santa Fe and love to all parents who have lost a child. 


1 comment:

  1. Love to you, sweet mama.
    We feel the ripples of grief in this desert too. I wept for Carter and he even visited me! Me, a stranger to him, but I had love and compassion for him, no less.
    I, too, have been wrestling with acceptance of early departure.. Around this time I learned the truth of the final days of someone immensely close to me. That he suffered so much pained me. He visited a dream and I wept tears of joy (I think I told you this when you told me of Rose)
    and in August, a sweet young friend took his own exit from this life at barely over 20....
    I'll never understand it. I can wish and pray it were different, but it wont be. & I have to be at peace that it happened as it did, but I am in no way to blame... and the guilt is not mine to bear... though I miss them something terrible... and the love will never cease...